Monday, August 28, 2006&&
Dear friends,
thx for being there for me for the past few days. im sorry for making u all worry abt me..i may not exactly be super fine yet.. but im slowly getting by..dont need to worry abt me.. n yes.. ill make sure i wont forget to have my meals. i cant afford to fall ill n i haf to be strong to be able to take care of my dad n bro.
sometimes dad would juz sit there n seemed to be in deep thoughts.. i noe he misses her very much.. i dont noe wat i can do to ease the pain but i noe the most impt thing is not to let him be worried abt me.
will time really heal the pain? for me..i guess it nvr will..a loss is a loss.. i juz haf to learn to live with it. ive been tryin not to think too much.. or shld i say i dont want myself to think abt it at all...these past few days.. was indeed a painful experience. but half the time.. i was actually numbed. perhaps i had the constant company frm my family n friends..n when night time came.. ill be knocked out by the tiredness to even start thinkin abt ath. but now..sometimes my mind would juz wander..
every thing happened so fast.. nobody expected her to go so soon.. all along i had held on to the believe that eth will be fine.. the med/treatments that she had been undergoing will cure her...but nobody expected this sudden downhill.. till now.. we dont noe whether is it the can.cer or the peum.o.nia that had taken her...
she was diagnosed with can.c.er 4 yrs ago.. i was hafin my '0s' at that time.. went thru an op n it was removed.. i dont noe wat was i tinkin that time.. but it nvr occured to me that it was ath serious.
a yr ago.. she had a relapse.. went thru painful chemos that made her ha.ir dropped.. n after each round of trtment.. she would be feelin very awful for a wk.. n then she'll be ok till the nxt round of trtment. again.. i dont noe y i did wat i did.. i took eth for granted n didnt learn to treasure..all i noe was to get out of her way n not annoy her when she wasnt feelin well..
she started gg thru all kinds of chem.o n took chinese med too.. it helped n she maintained her weight n was ok.. the can.cer even stopped spreading... n then it came back.. changed her trtments n it stopped in apri.l when the new dru.g didnt seem to work.
was supposed to try another d.rug.. but she wanted to put it on hold till we came back frm jap. n then eth started gg downhill...
it had spread to her lun.gs n ba.ck.. tried ra.di.ations.. n she started not eatin at all.. coz one she couldnt swallow due to rad near her throa.t.. n she oso kept vomitting watever that went in.. she only drank a type of medicated mi.lk but even that.. she oso couldnt drank much. her weight dropped drastically n mo.rphine made her very dro.wsy... which made her slp all day or gave her hallu.cinations.. she started sayin things that made no sense...i thot the rad had managed to reduce the can.cer cells.. n all she needed was to eat more to regain back strength n weight.
but last last sun.. her breathin became weak.. she couldnt walk a few steps w/o feelin breathless.. n sometimes she couldnt even walked at all..got admitted n when i saw her on mon.. she seemed 0k..
den tues came..n i was told to go down to the hosp asap.. her breathin was really bad n the doc say she wont be able to make it....my mind went blank..
relatives started comin n her breathin was very hard.. all knew that she was juz holdin on...waitin for my bro... i was really scared that she wont be able to wait till 11+pm when he came back.. talkin to her n tryin to make her stay awake..she managed to hold out till he came..n slowly her breathing went weaker....tho she was only semi conscious thruout.. i knew that she could hear us.. i knew she wanted badly to talk to us..but she juz didnt haf the strength to...n that's one of the regrets.. she didnt get to say any proper last words to us..in fact.. she had already started speakin incoherently a few days earlier.. n the last word that ive heard n understood was hot.. she was feelin hot...
i will nvr forget how tears juz flowed out of her eyes when her breathing almost stopped...i will nvr forget how she looked lyk.. to me.. she looked peaceful...i knew that it was the best thing for her.. she didnt haf to suffer for long n not any more.. she didnt haf to undergo those painful trtments anymore.. she's in a better plce now watchin over us.. i told her not to worry abt us.. n i will keep that promise to take care of ourselves... dad said she didnt want to go so soon coz she wanted to see me gra.duate first...she didnt get to..but i believe she'll be up there watchin over me when i gr.aduate....
i typed this out coz i have no courage to talk abt it bravely w/o breakin down to u guys...i juz want to get it off my chest n lyk i said earlier.. ill promise to stay strong n get back to my old self...
it's nvr ez for the livin..but life juz haf to go on..so now.. ive lots of things to do..but firstly, i wan to get rid of my assignments n get back on track to studyin.. den ill haf to start learnin cookin..besides learnin frm aunts.. i haf to get myself a cookbk too..try my cookin if u dare.. but dont come lookin for me if u ever get a tummy ache=x
~treasure ur loved ones n dun take things for granted.sounds cliche.. but that's wat ive really learnt thru a painful way~mummy.. u r dearly missed..
"s0metimes letting go is the only way to move forward"
10:32 PM
*[[____ aboutt ((: `-//*
loves:
all chocs except white ones
k:mus.ic, dra.mas, mo.vi.es
tra.velling
shop.pin
daydreaming
stonin at the b.each
a generally quiet person.may b unfriendly. but get to noe her..n she may not be as quiet as she seems. a person who dont express
her thoughts and feelings easily.prefers to keep things to herself. it's not healthy but on the bright side
she tends to forget certain stuffs v.easily. esp her irrita.tions or anger. a person who can be quite contradicting coz she tends to
consider both sides of a coin. can be fickleminded n easily persuaded but can also be total opposite when it comes to certain stuffs.
last but not least.. this girl here loves to daydr.eam n just hope that certain gd things will happen for real..